Day 241: I’ll Be Around

Being around and being present is hard. For a few months last year, immediately after Miles died, I focused on being present. I did so in part because it was so hard to live without him. Such an enormous part of my life was removed from me suddenly. Being present– or simply being– felt impossible.  Every day was hard and I needed to learn how to be.

It is curious that I am looking back at the recent past as the past. A lot has changed. I can look back on those days last fall and see myself in a different light. I am not sure how it happened. I am not sure when it happened. I do not assume it is permanent, like I have exited a cloud and am now in clear skies.  There could be clouds everywhere.  Today was hard for a lot of reasons. Lots of reminders that made it hard to sit still and made it hard to focus on other things.

Day 239: The Point of It

I realize that music can serve as an analog for emotion. Art generally and music specifically is the best way to capture an emotional state. Words fail, but the ambiance created by a song is often the best way to communicate the inexplicable inner life I carry in me.

These days, Yo La Tengo seems to be the most accurate reflection of what I feel  I hear their songs and I think, yes. Yes.  The Zennish paucity of sound reveals that there is so much in nothing.

Day 202: Cornelia and Jane

Yo La Tengo has a distinctive sound and I think this song captures it well. This song haunts me. The images are so true to me, as is the sentiment.

These connections come out of nowhere. I found this song somewhat randomly when it popped into my feed of songs and it spoke to me. It whispered.

The lyrics.

“I hear the whispering

Just out of view
Still unknown
What’s inside of youOutside your window
Neighbors peer in at you
How can we care for you?
How can we hold onto you?Caught up in motion
Swirling around
Sometimes you’re standing still
On uneven ground

Too many sirens
They keep you up at night
Sit back and hold your ears
How will we hold back your tears?

I hear them whispering
They analyze
But no one knows
What’s lost in your eyes

Sending the message
It doesn’t get to you
How can we care for you?

Slipping away
Fade deep inside of you
But how can we hold on to you?”

Day 185: The Summer

It is turning from one season to the next, from spring to summer. It is getting hotter.

Last year, Miles and I would talk about the seasons and his summers. Last summer was his last summer in high school. This summer would be his last at home before college. We would certainly go to the lake and to some local swimming holes. We would maybe visit the city. Miles would skate a lot. I went to the skate park for the first time in a long time. It was packed. There were more than a dozen kids there, including Miles’s friend Pepper. Miles would have skated six hours today because it was beautiful and warm and he would have come home super tired and scraped and bruised. If he was still here.