Being around and being present is hard. For a few months last year, immediately after Miles died, I focused on being present. I did so in part because it was so hard to live without him. Such an enormous part of my life was removed from me suddenly. Being present– or simply being– felt impossible. Every day was hard and I needed to learn how to be.
It is curious that I am looking back at the recent past as the past. A lot has changed. I can look back on those days last fall and see myself in a different light. I am not sure how it happened. I am not sure when it happened. I do not assume it is permanent, like I have exited a cloud and am now in clear skies. There could be clouds everywhere. Today was hard for a lot of reasons. Lots of reminders that made it hard to sit still and made it hard to focus on other things.