Day 365: Waiting on a Friend

I believe I will see Miles again.  Some day, I will spend time with my son, my boy locked at age 17 with his long cornsilk hair.  Miles with his ripped jeans and scabby arms from skating and falling.  Miles with his filthy fingernails and yellow sweatshirt.  Miles with his generous smile and bright welcoming eyes.  I will see him again and we will talk about what I did with the rest of my life and what his brother Owen is doing as a man in the world.  We will talk about his mother and her kind heart and good cooking.  We will sit in the sun and look at the sky and open up a folder of his most recent pictures to see what is new in the world through his eyes.

I believe I will see Miles again. The rest of my life is prelude to a new world, somewhere where I will be reunited with Miles.  I will be with him, sometime and somewhere, both of us in peace.

I know now that I treated each phase of Miles’s life as a step toward his next milestone. Crawling led to walking.  Middle school was preparation for high school. High school was preparation for college.  College was to be a preparation for a life and career.  I realize that maybe I spent too much time concentrating on the future and not enjoying the present.  I wish I had spent more time being in the present and enjoying the time he spent with me as a boy and young man.  Now, I am the one who prepares for the future. I am preparing every day for the time I get to see Miles again and I can tell him, “Yes Miles, I have done right by you.  I did my best.  I am so glad to see you again.”  My life is preparation for our beautiful reintroduction.

Until then I wait.  I wait in the sunlight, waiting on my friend.

Day 280: Miss You

Some Girls is an album I never got into. It never crossed my path. I need to get it. I love this song. I like the groove and the who-whoing. Nice tune.

And I miss you, Miles. I tell you all the time when I write you letters, but I cannot say it enough. I miss you.

I am writing this in late April. I am preloading these blog entries in advance because it has been a hard week, prompted by nothing in particular. I am afraid that once I get closer to the anniversary that I will not be able to do much in the way of writing. So I am writing and scheduling these posts now.

I remember details so vividly. I remember the ambiance– the heat in the air yet the cool air at night, lifting the heat from summer as the season turns to fall. I remember that feeling, that late summer feeling. I am not sure how I will react when I start to feel the same weather and experience the same phase of the moon in late August. I a writing in advance so there will be something instead of nothing.

Day 261: Not Fade Away

For the few months immediately following Miles’s death, I spent a lot of time alone and I would take long walks in the woods. I would also walk at night around town.

I made an effort to slow down. I was in a daze. I was at a loss.  At every moment of the day, I was painfully conscious of Miles being gone. I wasn’t sure what to do. The world as I had inhabited it before was alien and distant.

I tried to ground myself. When I took walks, I would walk very slowly. I naturally walk fast. I seem to always be in a hurry. My natural state is to be rushed. It is a bad habit and I have changed a little bit. Slow walking became a form of meditation. It helped ground me. I would think about placing each foot in front of the other, not thinking about where it was taking me but thinking about the step itself.  It was one of many habits I adopted in that empty space of my life.

Day 160: Tumbling Dice

I remember last summer Miles and I were talking about music, and I asked him if he had seen Cocksucker Blues, the movie about the Rolling Stones on tour in the late ’60s or early seventies. Robert Frank filmed it for them and when they saw the footage, they were appalled at their own behavior.  It is not shown very often. Miles had somehow got his hands on it. I had not seen it.

Miles liked Robert Frank. Before working with the Rolling Stones, he photographed circus freaks. The band liked his work so much that they had him do the cover for Exile on Main Street and then shoot Cocksucker Blues.

Day 159: Wild Horses

I went out to the crash site a few days ago, and as I pulled up to it on a Friday afternoon with some yellow flowers, this song came on my iPod. I like the Rolling Stones. I do not like this song so much, but it felt right for the moment. I do not know how much Miles liked the Rolling Stones. I often feel like he is around– in the other room, at school, or skating somewhere. It felt like he was there at that moment too.