Day 236: Sitting Still

Miles would have graduated on June 9.  It is one of the milestones, one of a lifetime of milestone I will have to endure. Father’s Days, birthdays, college graduations for friends. I will wonder what Miles might be doing and what his life might be like at those same moments.  Friends of his will get married and have children and grow older. Miles will forever be locked at that age, 6,458 days old. I will wonder about his thoughts, his accomplishments, his own aspirations and plans and problems. All of it has been short circuited and instead of a lifetime of new experiences and joys and triumphs, I will have speculation. A second life in the subjunctive. Imaginary worlds about what music he might bring home this Thanksgiving and where he might spend his summer. What more can I do to help? What can I do to make him better? Make him happier? Ensure his success? I will get old and weaker. I will witness the world with the shadows lurking around me, ghosts of what might be and how we all might be different. We are lesser for his loss but better for his presence. We are improved by those 6,458 days.

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