In my previous life, there were moments of happiness when I would think to myself, “It seems like the whole world is designed for me.” Something good would happen and then another good thing would happen and it felt like everything was going right. It was not a hubristic statement, but a reflection of a temporary state when all was well and looking up. I am enough of a pessimist to know it never lasts, so I never let it go to my head. I never held on too tightly to those moments. I let them pass through my life like a cool wind on a hot day, and I tried to catch it in my sails for as long as I could.
I do not think I will ever feel that way again. No matter how well things are going, there is always going to be something missing, something amiss. A low-level noise in the background will always be there, louder sometimes more than others but always always there. The discomfort of unease at the state of the world, our inadequate world, our lapsed state.