Day 33: Big Black Car

Losing Miles has torn me apart, and I am putting myself back together. It feels like I am reconstituting myself in some new form. None of those old pieces will fit together the way they fit before. I need to make them work again somehow, make them work with the Miles part missing. It is not easy. This grief is like a powerful drug and after taking it you’re not the same person and the world doesn’t seem the same.

The process of reassembly for me has involved a lot of writing and reflection. I write letters to Miles every day. I remember him as a boy and as a young man and I tell him about what happened during the day. I write to him about the power of my memories and also of their shortcomings. Investing my time alone in these memories has been really important to me. I feel closest to Miles when I am writing to him and sharing a memory.

It’s not easy reassembling myself in part because I am a private person. Losing Miles has turned me inside out. I am private person, and I typically hold my emotions close to myself. But this tragedy has changed that for me. I live in a small town, and everybody knows me and what has happened. It is hard to walk down the street. It is like living in a glass jar, and it feels like like everybody is watching me. Lots of people are worried about me and there is comfort in knowing this and in receiving their support. But sometimes it is nice to walk down the street in a place where people don’t know me and be anonymous. Where nobody worries about me. Where nothing can hurt me, nothing can touch me.

Reconstituting who I am involves spending a lot of time friends and family: people who knew Miles well and people who did not know him at all. It’s nice to visit and share Miles with people. This space is an extension of that sharing. It works for me because my instinct is to write and reflect and remember. In this space I can do it and interact with folks all over the world who can help me remember. It is a nice place, this blog where I can remember Miles and his love of music and reflect on songs we both enjoyed.

I miss Miles so much.

Advertisements

One thought on “Day 33: Big Black Car

  1. This is heartbreaking. I can’t know your personal pain, but I know what you are talking about. Part of me wants to just go sit on an island for a while, especially during this time of year when all of the happy families are being squishy and shiny on commercials and TV shows.

    I’ve been away from your blog for a little while because I’m having a harder time this year than most. Even last year when I lost my brother, dad and mom to illness a few months apart from each other. I was too numb to really be fully aware.

    I am enjoying your writing, your song picks and your memories of Miles, though, don’t get me wrong. I hope that you are holding together as well as you sound in your posts. But, if you do fall apart, that’s ok, too. That’s the good thing about having a community that cares surrounding you. I wouldn’t have made it as wholly last year were it not for the majority of support coming from friends and family on facebook.

    I’ll end this missive with something my father-in-law told me last year to help me try to work through it all: when you’re going through hell, keep going.

    Be well.
    -K

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s